Another report from the land customer service forgot

I've often joked that, in London, customer service is an oxymoron.

From sullen shop girls to surly waiters to just plain rude delivery people, service quite often falls below what is the American minimal acceptable standard.

(There is also quite wonderful service as well - the employees at the Starbucks across the street from work are consistently cheerful, friendly, fast and serve a mean cup of latte. Which makes up for the Starbucks next to my flat, where the coffee is cold and the baristas colder.)

However, nothing beats our recent experience trying to receive packages posted from America.

When we returned from Los Angeles, we had two package notices in our mail from a company called Parcel Force. One package had been left with the deli downstairs, and we retrieved it with no problem. However, the other package was "returned to our depot. Please call within five days." Lucky for us, it was the fifth day and so we called right away.

No worries, said Parcel Force. We'll deliver the package to your local post office tomorrow.

Great! we said.

So that afternoon, my husband went to the post office. No, no package for you, said the post office.

Gee, that's strange, my husband replied. He went home and called Parcel Force.

No worries mate, said Parcel Force. It's on our truck now. You should be able to pick it up tomorrow morning.

So when morning dawned, my husband, getting wise to their ways, called the post office first before making the trek.

No, no package for you, said the post office. And aren't you the bloke what came by yesterday?

Yes I am, replied my husband. And I was told the package was on the truck yesterday afternoon. You should have received it.

Sorry, mate. No package for you, said the post office.

So my husband called Parcel Force.

Oh right! said Parcel Force, after some shuffling of papers and transferring of lines. Says here that the post office refused delivery. So it's being returned to sender. It's already on its way.

At this point I removed all the sharp objects in the house, both for my husband's and my health.

At least this package made it to the UK. None of us have any clue where the Christmas package from my brother and sister-in-law ended up. It wasn't returned to them, and we have seen neither brown paper nor string.

And it could be worse. There's a chance this package will actually make it back to the sender. A package sent to me in the transatlantic pouch from my office in Los Angeles has been traced all the way to the post room in my building, only for the supervisor to tell me they have zero record of it ever arriving. This is despite the courier company providing a record of who in the post room signed for it and a time-stamped receipt.

Not to mention that many of my magazine subscriptions have gone missing. I rather expect it for the magazines mailed from the US, but the UK Vanity Fair? Now I know why magazine subscriptions here cost an arm and a leg compared to subscriptions in the US - it's because they have to keep replacing all the copies that go missing in transit.

The government has deregulated the Royal Mail and now private operators can pick-up, sort and deliver the post. I'm afraid, I'm very afraid. Of course, competition could lead to improved service. But I'm not putting my pence on it.

So, until we say different, please don't try to send us anything through the mail. We appreciate the thought, but donate to charity instead, or save it until we see you in person.

And US Postal Service? I hereby take back anything remotely mean I ever said or thought about you. You so rock in comparison.