You Know You've Been Out of the US Too Long When...

I just returned from a week in the States, in Florida and Georgia to be precise. I had an amazing time in both places. But Atlanta was special because I hung out with truly extraordinary, wise and luminous women at the Romance Writers of America National Conference. I didn't realize how much I missed girl talk until I stayed up until the wee hours eating junk food and drinking copious amounts of alcohol, reveling in female camaraderie.

The women I met, goddesses all, fed an hungry place in my soul I didn't know existed. I'm so much the richer for knowing them.

And yeah, really inspirational writing stuff ensued, but this is my expat blog. And there were several incidents that made me realize that living in the UK has rubbed off on me.

I've always been told by Brits that Americans are friendly. They say this as one would say "Your child is lovely" to a mother whose child has rather unfortunate ears and a hooked nose. In other words, "friendly" is anything but a compliment. American-style friendliness is off-putting and uncomfortable to those who habitually ignore other humans even when pressed up against them on a train.

I know.

Because I was off-put and uncomfortable when strangers spoke to me. My parents and I breakfasted at a hotel coffee shop one morning, and we started to discuss friends of theirs who live in Michigan. Or maybe it was Nebraska. Anyway, a very nice couple at the table next to us leaned over and said, "Where do they live? We're from there!"

My parents, who I've always thought of as being on the reserved side, jumped right into a conversation that lasted at least fifteen minutes.

I was appalled. And then I was even more appalled that I was appalled. But I was really taken aback at strangers eavesdropping and then interjecting themselves into our conversation - even though I used to do the same thing as a matter of course when I lived in the States.

The next day, I was shopping at Macy's (the dollar to the pound, man. I couldn't NOT shop. It was like getting clothes for free) and a very lovely woman rummaging through the sales rack next to me held up a blouse and said, "This would be cute on you."

I freaked. Who is this person and why is she speaking to me?! I smiled politely and backed away. Poor woman probably thought I was deranged and/or rude. But I honestly forgot how to respond to her.

And that's when I knew: I've been out of the States far too long.

Here are some other clues I discovered:

1) You tell your friend to meet you by the lift- I mean, elevator
2) You automatically eat with a fork in your left hand and a knife in your right, and you never put down either utensil.
3) You try to get in the driver's seat although you're just the car passenger
4) Restaurant serving sizes look REALLY huge, and you can only finish a third of your plate
5) Cold beer - that's just WRONG
6) You don't even realize you just asked "Where's the loo?" until your parents give you a strange look
7) No smoke in the bar - that's just WRONG (but very, very nice)
8) You say "to-mah-to" without meaning to sound pretentious
9) When did they change the nickel?!?!? And the ten dollar bill?!?!? I'm confused!
10) You say "cheers" instead of thank you
11) You giggle at how cheap petrol- I mean, gas, is
12) You tell your friend you're getting in the queue- I mean, line
13) You look the wrong way when crossing the street
14) You grumble at having to tip
15) You don't take A/C for granted, and thank your lucky stars each day for the miracle of cold air
16) You constantly come up short at the cash register, because you forget sales tax isn't already included in the price

Luckily, I got my "speaking to strangers" legs back before I left the US - just in time to return to "Don't speak unless spoken to" Britain.